


P.S. If this is London

by Lost_at_Sea



Category: Saving Hope (TV)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Canonical Character Death, F/F, Long-Distance Relationship, Longing, Pining, the whole gay agenda in one, this is not a fix it it's an unfix it and then fix it again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:14:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25003720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lost_at_Sea/pseuds/Lost_at_Sea
Summary: An idea about what would have happened if Sydney had left for London, no letter, no Maggie chasing her down. Based on the song "Austin" by Blake Shelton which I know is like really out of left field but it's just Maggie being soft and leaving her voicemail answering machine message saying "P.S. If this is London, I still love you"I haven't written in a really long time so go easy on me!
Relationships: Sydney Katz/Maggie Lin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 58





	P.S. If this is London

_She left without leavin’ a number  
Said she needed to clear her mind  
She figured she'd gone on to London  
'Cause she talked about it all the time_

Twelve months ago Maggie had sat in her office. There was a part of her that had hoped - as she entered for the first time - that sitting on her floor, or her chair, or her desk, or taped to the door would have been Sydney’s goodbye. But Sydney had left without another word once again. 

Alex had come by and talked to her - even encouraged her to chase after Sydney - but what was she supposed to do? Sydney had told her clear as day that she shouldn’t follow her, and if that’s how she felt, what was Maggie even fighting for? This was what Syndey did… and there was nothing leading her to believe this time was any different. 

After Alex dragged her to her house and put her to bed on the couch, Maggie had gone through the next few days in a bit of a stupor. All she could think about was that Sydney hadn’t called, hadn’t answered any of her messages, and hadn’t picked up any of Maggie’s calls. She’s sometimes called just to listen to Sydney’s voice on her voicemail message, which was compact and professional. Just like Sydney. 

Hello, you’ve reached Dr. Katz. I can’t take your call right now, but I will get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you. 

She had been so ready to start a life with Sydney, and then there she was, alone in her empty apartment staring at the wall, and calling the number again just to hear that voice. 

~~~~~~~

Two weeks later Maggie called Sydney’s number expecting to hear the voicemail message she had memorized, but instead a woman’s robotic voice drained all the remaining life out of her. 

I’m sorry. This number is no longer in service, or has been disconnected...

Maggie had gone through the motions of her life for the next several weeks and tried her best not to think or talk about Sydney. But three weeks later she joined the Hope Zion gang at the bar, hoping to get her mind off the redhead. 

At 3am that night Maggie had sat in her bathtub while an equally drunk Alex combed through her wet hair. Courage brought upon by alcohol had lead to Maggie deciding to call Sydney’s number again. The same robotic tone had answered and she looked at Alex. The questions clear on Maggie’s face; what does this mean? how will I ever tell her now? She really left. And, tears starting to strea, drunk-Maggie had scrolled through her phone until she found the voicemail options and right then and there she had changed her answering message.

Hi…. uh this is Dr. Maggie Lin *hic* and uh if you’re calling me you can -you know- chat after the beep. I’ll probably regret this in the morning and delete it so consider yourself lucky if you’re listening. And uhh yeah P.S. if this is Sydney… I still love you. So… yeah.

Alex hadn’t deleted the voicemail and she never reprimanded Maggie. Instead, she had takeen her phone and offered her best friend a towel, leaving the room so Maggie could get out of her soaked clothes. Waiting in her living Room, Alex had tried her hardest not to let hate for Sydney Katz harden in her heart. 

And then it was all eclipsed by Alex, Charlie and Luke being in a car accident, and Charlie… dying. Maggie had scraped together the shattered parts of herself and stepped up to be there for her best friend. It was weeks until she even thought of her voicemail. She eventually deleted it and left the automated message to greet any missed calls. 

She started talking to a therapist that didn’t work at Hope Zion to get her crap together so she could be more supportive of Alex and Luke during their low point, and around a month or so in, she brought up the voicemail thing. Her therapist didn’t seem as surprised as Maggie had expected and only asked her what prompted her to change the message, and if it seemed to help. Maggie hadn’t been able to answer either question except to say she had wanted Sydney to come back. They talked a bit more about the benefits and drawbacks and Maggie had left that day with a plan. She started updating her voicemail more often.

Later that evening - four months after Sydney left - Maggie sat down to make her first sober voicemail. She remembered, while drafting, that other people would hear it when she missed their calls so she decided to modify her message just a little. Thankfully, work calls went through to her other phone. Even so, her new voicemail was a little stiff. How was she supposed to do this? Maintain a line of connection while guarding her heart. And all in a public forum. 

Hi. You’ve reached Dr. Maggie Lin. I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now. If you need me, leave a message... otherwise try again later. And uh… P.S. If this is London… I still love you. 

There were a few seconds of dead air at the end of the message but Maggie couldn’t bring herself to re-record it. 

It wasn’t until a few months later when Maggie was headed off to some conference in Ontario that she re-recorded her voicemail. 

Hi. You’ve reached Dr. Maggie Lin. This month I’ll be in Ontario at a conference with limited service for a few weeks. If you need to reach me you can call the conference locations number which is (XXX) XXX XXXX. Otherwise, I’ll be back soon and get to your messages. P.S. If this is London, I still love you. 

This time her “PS” was rather rushed and a bit embarrassed. But she still put it there. 

She’d started to think about calling Torbin General or even flying over there, but Sydney obviously hadn’t tried to call her, or if she had she’d been scared off by the voicemail anyway. So what was the point?

When she got back - month 8 now - she re-recorded it. Filled with fresh air and fresh perspective the voicemail was much more natural sounding.

Hi guys, this is Maggie, and you know the drill. I’m probably off somewhere saving someone's life or something…. This week I’m doing no less than 4 deliveries, can you believe!… and otherwise I’m probably just too busy watching Gilmore Girls to pick up the phone. But I’ll call you back soon! P.S. If this is London… yeah. I still love you.

From then on she started to update it more frequently. In some sad sort of way it was how she pretended she was updating Sydney on her life, even if Sydney didn’t call or listen. It was like… a journal for her. So every first Sunday of the month she would re-record her voicemail. 

… Saturday I’m off to Zack and Dawn’s engagement party… and to those of you who don’t know them well… aren't you lucky. P.S. If this is London… I still love you. 

… I know I have a bunch of missed calls! Don’t bother calling twice in a row, I’ve been pulling so many extra shifts this month. I’m saving up folks! I’ll call you back sooooon... P.S. If this is London, I still… I still love you. 

And then it started to happen more often. She wasn’t sure why but 11 months after Sydney leaft her she started updating it whenever she had a free moment. Maybe it was because her friends from life and the hospital who left voicemails seemed to enjoy the updates. Maybe it was because Zach made fun of her for mentioning him on it in the ER when things were tense. Maybe it was because the more she felt like she was talking to Sydney, the more she felt like she could one day pick up the pieces of her heart. 

… I’m letting Alex take Luke off to some… kid… fun… place this weekend so it’s just me and Baby Reid. So if I don’t answer the phone you can be glad you’re not the one probably covered in baby puke. I’ll call soon!... And P.S. If this is London. I still love you! 

~~~~~~~

On the other side of the globe Dr. Sydney Katz had been living a half life. She’d been shooting through Torbin General and doing tremendous work, but she felt like she was going through the motions. She dated here and there, but between her busy schedule and her general apathy… nothing lasted. She made a friend or two but no one really filled the hole in her heart she left behind in Toronto. 

But she did have an ally in the head of Cardio, and Dr. Carrol had recommended that Sydney start seeing someone… a therapist to be exact. It was late evening after a devastating loss of a patient and Sydney had decided that maybe it was time to swallow the pride of a million factors [her upbringing, the culture of the hospital] and starts seeing Dr. Rodgers on the fifth floor. 

Dr. Rodgers was a no-nonsense woman who gave it to Sydney straight while maintaining a level of warmth that was neither phony nor too familiar. She was a perfect therapist for Sydney and it wasn’t long until they had started talking about her family, her story, and especially her coming out. She’d been in close contact with her sister for a few months, but still hadn’t spoken to her mother or father since she’d moved. She hadn’t been back to visit her newborn niece… and she couldn’t answer why. When Dr. Rodgers pressed her to push past the easy answers, they finally got down to the root of everything… Maggie. 

~~~~~~~

A few months into therapy, just about a year after she moved to London, Dr. Rodgers convinces Sydney it’s time to call Maggie. Just to maybe hear her voice and see what feelings pop up. Sydney looks terrified so Dr. Rodgers tells her they can do it together. The next time Sydney comes in for an appointment she pulls out her phone on shaky hands. 

_It was almost a year before she called her up  
Three rings and an answering machine is what she got_

Sydney is instantly relieved that it goes to Maggie’s voicemail, even though she timed it up with what should be the middle of one of Maggie’s shifts. It’s then that she realizes... she doesn’t even know if Maggie still works at Hope Zion, or what she’s doing there. But she feels her heart swoop as she listens to Maggie’s voice for the first time in far too long. 

. Hi. You’ve reached Dr. Maggie Lin. If you’re calling about the car, I sold it. If this is Tuesday night, Zach dragged me out bowling...

Sydney hears Maggie chuckle and feels tears prick at her eyes. 

… if you’re that guy trying to sell me essential oils, you’re wasting your time. I told you I’m not buying. If it’s anybody else, wait for the tone… you know what to do... 

There’s that laugh again. Sydney feels a smile pull at the corners of her mouth, but it’s immediately wiped off her face at the next thing Maggie says. 

… P.S. If this is London… I still love you

There’s silence in the office for a few excruciating heartbeats before Sydney hurriedly hangs up when she hears the tone. She’s not sure if she hung up in time, but she hopes so. In what feels like slow motion she looks up to Dr. Rodgers. 

_The telephone fell to the counter  
She heard but she couldn't believe  
What kind of person would hang on that long  
What kind of love that must be_

Her phone fell out of her hand and onto the carpeted floor of Dr. Rodgers’ office. She’s never cried in therapy - some hold over she’s sure - but today tears go running down her face before she can control them. With a look Dr. Rodgers has never given her, the therapist leans across the space between them to hand Syndey some tissues. 

After a while Dr. Rodgers asks Sydney how she feels and when Sydney can’t answer they decide to meet again on Friday morning once Sydney’s had some time. 

~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, in Toronto, Maggie gets back from work and throws her bag on the couch. It’s Wednesday evening and it’s time she update her voicemail, since Tuesday bowling had gone well but is long done. First, she checks her messages. Her heart falls to her feet when she sees she has a missed message from what she definitely knows is a London area code. She tries to remember what Alex is doing that evening as she paces her apartment. When she finally remembers Alex is at home on Wednesday nights she calls her immediately. 

Twenty minutes later Maggie is racing across town to Alex’s apartment so they can listen to the empty air of the voicemail one more time. The only sound on it is a small inhale. 

“It’s… it’s gotta be her… doesn't it?” Maggie asks.

“You don’t know that for sure.” Alex says in that motherly way which means she’s trying to protect Maggie but doesn't’ really believe it herself. 

After the 30th time Maggie listens to the same 2 second voicemail, Alex looks at her gently and takes the phone away. 

“Mags… it’s been a year.”

The tears come almost instantly. “I know you’ll never forgive her for leaving, and I’m not sure if I can really either… but she’s all I think about. That message… it isn’t a lie Alex… I still love her.”

Maybe Alex 10 months ago would have shut Maggie down, but this new Alex, with two kids, with her father, and brother, and mother, and Joel and Charlie… Charlie… gone, she just nods at Maggie. 

“Why don’t you go to the lake with me and the kids? We’re leaving this Saturday and are going to be gone a whole week. I know you have the vacation time and Dawn will let you even with this short notice. There’s no cell service to speak of and it’ll let you get your mind off of this, just for a little.”

Maggie isn’t sure anything will get her mind off of that voicemail but she agrees, any time with the kids and Alex is a good time. She heads home and before she goes to bed, she re-records her voicemail. 

_She waited three days and then she tried again  
She didn't know what she'd say  
But she heard three rings and then  
On Friday morning in London Sydney walks into Dr. Rodgers office looking tired. _

“Sydney.”

“Dr. Rodgers”

“So… how have you been fairing?”

“Well I didn’t let myself call her again, but I honestly can’t believe that I heard her say… that. It doesn’t feel real.”

Dr Rodgers chuckles. “It isn’t shocking that you’re having trouble processing what happened...Sydney if I’m honest, I was also surprised by that voicemail. From what we’ve talked about, you seem to think you were looking out for Maggie by not letting her keep in contact with you until you realized that maybe you made-”

“The biggest mistake of my life” Sydney interrupts. “Yeah, Dr. Rodgers… but by the time I had figured that out, Charlie had just died, Alex was still in recovery, and it had been months since I left. I couldn’t interrupt her life. I couldn’t selfishly run back into it and bring her here, and I wasn’t ready to leave.”

“And now… has any of that changed.”

Sydney is quiet for a long time. “I love Torbin General. I love the work I get to do here… and I have made friends and connections. But I left more than just Sydney in Toronto. And the other times I left I didn’t stop thinking about her. If she really does still love me… after all I put her through… then maybe it’s time to leave London behind and see what magic I can make in Toronto.” She blushes deep red. “I might not have called Maggie, but I did call Hope Zion and talked to their HR…”

“...and?” Dr. Rodgers prompts

“And there’s a position open for me. It would allow me more research time, but also allow me to oversee staff, make changes… and work on the ward.”

“Sounds perfect.”

“Dr. Rodgers… do you think we could call Maggie again? It should go to voicemail again.” She blushes again “I might have inquired about her schedule under the guise of asking her about the OB department.” 

Dr Rodgers nods with a smile. 

“Are you going to leave a message this time?”

Sydney just dials the phone. 

Hi. You’ve reached Dr. Maggie Lin. If it’s Friday night I’m working double…

Sydney’s jaw drops and even Dr. Rodger’s eyebrow twitches. A different voicemail? Had Sydney spooked her?

...and first thing Saturday, if the weather holds, Alex is taking me out to the lake and I’ll be gone for the entire week. There’s no service there so good luck without me!...

Maggie laughs again and Sydney feels alive for just one brief moment, recognizes now just what was emptying out her heart. 

… But I’ll call you back when I get home on that next Sunday afternoon…

Maggie pauses and Sydney’s breath catches in her throat. Tears make her vision blur and she blinks furiously so she can focus on the name ‘Maggie’ staring up from her phone. Maggie’s voice sounds a little breathless as she closes out her voicemail message. 

… P.S. If this is London… I still love you.

This time Sydney closes her eyes breathing as deeply as she can while she waits for the tone. When it finally plays out over her phone, her eyes fly open and she states as clearly as she can… “Shalom Maggie.” and then hangs up. 

Dr. Rodgers looks at Sydney while she processes. 

With blinding certainty Sydney looks up. “I’ve got a week and two days to pack up my life and get back to Hope Zion.”

Dr. Rodgers has her talk through her plan just a little bit more, but by the end of the session Sydney is ready and Dr. Rodgers stands and opens up her arms to hug the young doctor. 

“Sydney… learn from your mistakes… keep in touch...”

And Sydney nods. 

~~~~~~~

Dawn is sitting in her office on a regular Monday afternoon when she gets the call. 

“This is Dr. Bell.”

“Hi Dr. Bell… this is Dr. Katz…”

“Sydney!” Dawn flounders for words as she glances at her door. “... Why isn't this a surprise… are you… what are you calling for?”

“Yes. Well that’s a bit of a long story, but I was wondering if I could have my privileges reinstated if I came back to Hope Zion… say next week?”

The line is silent for a while. 

“Uh… you’re leaving Torbin General?”

“Yes.”

“May I ask why?”

Sydney sighs. “I think you know why Dr. Bell.”

“Hmmmm. Do I?”

“...Torbin General has been a wonderful employer, but it’s time for me to return home. To my sister, To Hope Zion -”

“To Maggie?”

“... yes.”

“Well, thank god.” Dawn answers with a smile. On the other end Sydney looks a little shocked. “Yes. I can rush the paperwork so you can start working immediately, but... it’s a mighty step down from your role at Torbin General…”

“Yes well, I spoke with someone in HR about a position you’re hiring for.”

Dawn looks at a file and a post-it-note on top. “HR just dropped off a file for a ‘promising candidate’.” She opens it. “And oh look! It’s you.” Dawn smiles. 

“Yes, well. I’m hoping to receive that position once I return to Toronto.”

“And if you don't, Dr. Katz?”

“I’m sure there will be other opportunities with you. I’ve learned a lot at Torbin General and I am an even more valuable asset to any OB department than I was before.” Dawn rolls her eyes semi-fondly. “I’m invested in making Hope Zion the best possible hospital. I’ve always wanted to work in a top hospital, but M-you all are my home. So if I have to get Hope Zion there to keep those promises to myself… I’ll do it.”

“Well, Dr. Katz.” Dawn grinned. “I look forward to looking through your application materials. And I look forward to having you back on the ward in the meantime.”

“Thank you Dr. Bell.”

~~~~~~~

Now there was just the business of quitting her job on such short notice. 

After a relatively long meeting, Sydney had convinced her boss she wasn’t going through some mental break, and that she wasn’t upset with Torbin General. He had been kind and generous in telling her he’d always push her applications forward if she wanted to come back. 

Sydney thinks that 6 months ago that phrasing would have made her question herself, but today she just counts her blessings and bids Torbin General goodbye. 

~~~~~~~

Sydney is walking through the airport, having been dropped off by Dr. Carrol. He’s a good surgeon and a good friend and is helping her ship the rest of her stuff back to Toronto and sort things out with her landlady. For now it’s just her two checked bags and her carry on and an ocean to traverse. 

It’s Thursday midmorning in London and she’ll be arriving in Toronto early in the afternoon after time differences. She starts work on Monday and wants to make sure she’s settled in to her hotel [still looking for an apartment] and that all her paperwork went through. 

She boards the plane and sits back in the seat, looks out the window and finds no sadness in leaving London. 

~~~~~~~

She tries to get in and out of Hope Zion without seeing anyone. She just wanted to meet with HR to get her materials and with Dawn to make sure everything had gone through, but of course she has to run into Zach right outside of Dawn’s office. 

He looks like he’s seen a ghost and Maggie silently thanks Dawn for not telling him. But now she’s face to face with a guy who probably hates her and had no clue she was coming. 

“Katz…”

“Dr. Miller”

“What are you? Aren’t you in London?”

“No. Not anymore. As you can see I am very much in Toronto.”

“Why? For how long? Does…” he trails off. 

“Does Maggie know? Not yet. I’m planning on telling her when she gets back from the lake.”

He nods once, the corner of his mouth rising slightly before it falls again. “Wait, how do you know Maggie’s at the lake.” He looks a little panicky, glancing down at the phone in his hand and at the end of the hallway as if he needs to leave right that second and place a call. 

Sydney opens her mouth… brain still scrambling for some reason when Zach supplies one. 

“Oh, duh you were just meeting with Dawn.”

Sydney smiles at him.

“Well, Katz. I’m sure I’ll have time to rip into you about all the damage you did to my girl, but I can wait until after you’ve won her back.”

Sydney is shocked at his jovial nature. 

“Thank you?”

“Sure thing.” He punches her lightly on the arm. “Go get ‘em Katz.”

As he walks away from her and into Dawn’s office Sydney feels a smile bloom on her face. She really has missed it here. 

~~~~~~~

Maggie’s week at the lake couldn’t quite be classified as relaxing what with two young kids and just her and Alex to take care of them… but it was fun, and it did serve to let her stop obsessing over that voicemail. 

On the drive back from the lake, with Alex asleep in the passenger seat, the baby asleep in the back seat, and Luke playing contentedly [for now] she allowed her mind to wander. What would be waiting for her at home? Would she have another voicemail from a London number? Would she get a chance to see Sydney and say ‘I should have come, I should have chased you to the airport, to London, to anywhere’ or would she spend the foreseeable future recording voicemail messages that Sydney would never hear. 

She couldn’t tell which would be worse… Sydney never hearing them, or Sydney hearing them and never calling again. 

She makes sure everyone is settled in and then heads back to her apartment. She loves Alex and the kids but she was looking forward to an evening to herself. 

When she got to her apartment she plugged her phone in and made dinner. After eating she sat down at her kitchen table and looked out at the skyline. Pulling her phone from it’s charger she felt her heart rate pick up. Scoffing at herself she scrolled through emails, texts with too many memes from Zach, and a few well-wishes from her colleagues. She then - after taking a deep breath - opened her voicemail box. 

The little icon on her screen said she had two voicemail messages. The first was from her mom and without a single pang of guilt, Maggie ignored it. The second was from an international number, and in a few moments Maggie confirmed it was indeed the same London number that had left her that short voicemail last week. 

This voicemail was also short, though a bit longer than the one second of last time, it still wasn’t long enough for there to be much of any substance. With a pounding heart, Maggie pressed play. 

The sound of Sydney’s voice, clear and strong and breathless drowned out whatever words she said to Maggie. It was like sinking into a warm bath and being doused with ice water all in the same heartbeat. 

On her third listen Maggie finally processed what it was that Sydney had said. She checked her watch and saw that it was nearing midnight in London. Scrambling she called Alex while searching for a pen and paper. 

“Hey Maggie! Did we forget something?”

“Alex, it was her.”

“... Who was what?”

“Alex! The voicemail from last week. It was Sydney”

“You called her?”

“No she left me another voicemail, and this time it was her actually speaking.”

The line was silent. 

“Should I call her back? I mean it’s getting late in London so I’ll probably get her answering machine which would be fine.”

“Maggie.” Alex interrupted her rambling. “You know how I feel about Sydney and my opinions on her actions. But I also know how much you’ve wanted this, and I’ll be here to hold you if she fucks up again. You deserve to know. Call her.”

They spent a few more minutes on the phone ironing out exactly what she would say in her voicemail and then Alex wished Maggie good luck, expecting to hear back once Maggie had called. 

Maggie walked to her cabinet and poured herself a drink. Throwing it back she returned to her table with her pen and paper and steeled herself. WIth one last deep breath, she pushed dial on the number she knew to be Sydneys. 

_Well Sydney waited by her phone on Sunday evening  
And this is what Maggie heard_

One Ring. 

Two Rings. 

Three Rings. 

And then, her voice. Again like sinking and falling all at the same time. 

Hi. You’ve reached Sydney Katz... 

There was a pause. A pause which did not belong in Sydney’s professional voicemail message. Maggie’s already stilted breath caught at the idea that Sydney might have changed it in a weird game of telephone. But with Sydney’s next sentence, Maggie stopped breathing altogether:

...If you’re calling about my heart, it’s still yours. I should have listened to it a little more. Then it wouldn’t have taken me so long. To know where I belong...

Maggie was speechless, breathless, motionless. Staring at the pen in her hand, phone pressed against her ear. She vaguely registered a knock at her door and moved like a sleepwalker over to it. A distant part of her brain wondered if it was Alex coming to show her emotional support even though she knew there was no way Alex could have gotten across town so fast. 

...And by the way, Mags, this isn’t my machine you’re talking to... 

Maggie stilled with her hand on the doorknob. Breathing in and out at the realization that it was actually Sydney on the phone, that she was so close and yet so far from her through this call.

...Can’t you tell this is Sydney… 

Maggie squeezed her eyes shut as a tear escaped. 

...And I still love you…

There was a moment of quiet breathing on the other side of the phone call and Maggie, in her haze, opened the door on autopilot, reeling from the idea that Sydney could still love her. 

Maggie’s phone fell from her hand and bounced on the carpet. There in her doorway, looking windswept and teary-eyed was the person Maggie had dreamed of for an entire year. In a long pea coat and a pressed button up and her hair cut back to her shoulders and eyes boring into her soul like they always did. 

Sydney lowered her own phone from her ear, eyes swimming with tears. 

“Maggie, I still love you... I’m back Maggie. In Toronto, at Hope Zion. I’m back. To be with you.”


End file.
